yamanai ame da neeee

Wednesday, January 31, 2007

sometimes, i wish the world always stayed the same.

today i was in one of the melancholy moods.
maybe its because they reminded me of something i had in the past that doesn't exactly exist anymore.

people always say, its not about having it but the knowledge that you had it.
but it being in my heart is just not enough for me.
i've been missing it so much i'm beginning to think i bring this upon myself, i'm beginning to think that i'm becoming one of those lame shits who sits there and be depressed and then start cursing the world for everything.
i always couldn't understand what they were thinking.
now, i might be becoming one of them.

its like how you always look at older people and go- 'i'll never do this when i'm their age cause its stupid and lame'- like you know everything in the world and that they are just fools doing stuff YOU'D be too smart to do. but then, when you get to that age, you'd do it too.
and then you start feeling like a fool for thinking that they were fools.
because now you know what it feels like to be them.
you start feeling like a fool because you realise what a bloody idiot you were then, and what an idiot you'll continue to be for the rest of their lives. idioticness is not something most people grow out of- think of all that idiotic irritating and totally irrelevant people you've met at EVERY point of your life. even your best friends can get idiotic at times.
at least i do, i also feel dumb because i know there are people looking at me and thinking the same thing i was thinking when i was at that stage of my life.

i wish i'll always be the age where i felt that i could be nowhere better then where i was.
when everyone around me was being idiotic in just the right way (life balances itself)
everything was so sweet then, i didn't have to discover truths about the 'larger picture'- about how small and insignificant i am to the world.
we were part of everyone's lives and we made up each other's days.
it worked so well, i loved it so much.
i never felt insignificant, because everyday, i was being appreciated- a smile, the knowledge that nothing would be the same without anyone, laughter, much joy, tears, complains, sweat, hardwork.
this was appreciation. it IS appreciation.

HAIII i now im being terribly vague and probably accusatory.
but just let me be ok? just for awhile.
sometimes i wish nobody had to please anyone in this wretch world.

8:38 PM